“Let people help” – Advice that made a big difference to a grieving widow

Posted by NaOH 13 hours ago

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Comment by jack_pp 7 hours ago

Rabbi Haim once ascended to the firmaments to see the difference between the worlds. He first visited Gehenna (Hell).

He saw a vast hall with long tables covered in the most magnificent foods. But the people sitting there were skeletal and wailing in agony. As the Rabbi looked closer, he saw that every person had wooden slats splinted to their arms, stretching from their shoulders to their wrists. Their arms were perfectly straight and stiff; they could pick up a spoon, but they could not bend their elbows to bring the food to their own mouths. They sat in front of a feast, starving in bitterness.

The Rabbi then visited Gan Eden (Heaven). To his surprise, he saw the exact same hall, the same tables, and the same magnificent food. Even more shocking, the people there also had wooden slats splinted to their arms, keeping them from bending their elbows. But here, the hall was filled with laughter and song. The people were well-fed and glowing. As the Rabbi watched, he saw a man fill his spoon and reach across the table, placing the food into the mouth of the man sitting opposite him. That man, in turn, filled his spoon and fed his friend.

The Rabbi returned to Hell and whispered to one of the starving men, "You do not have to starve! Reach across and feed your neighbor, and he will feed you." The man in Hell looked at him with spite and replied, "What? You expect me to feed that fool across from me? I would rather starve than give him the pleasure of a full belly!"

Comment by treetalker 5 hours ago

The Judeo–Christian God really has a thing for attaching people to wood.

Comment by lo_zamoyski 11 minutes ago

Humor aside, to appreciate these recurring themes, if you will, requires knowledge of, e.g., typology. Here, the cross with Christ nailed to it is transfigured into the new Tree of Life. Other important typologies are Christ as the new Adam, Mary as the new Eve, and Mary through her womb as the new Ark of the New Covenant. Noah's ark and the Ark of the Covenant are not called arks coincidentally, either. And the Church is often called the Barque of Peter.

Comment by embedding-shape 2 hours ago

Long time ago I did my confirmation (ex-protestant), but I seem to recall that wood is used a lot because it's a symbolism to man's mortality and frailty. Then after/with the crucifixion it also became a symbol of sacrifice and redemption in connection to mortality and frailty. But someone who remembers their studies better might offer a better explanation to why it's so popular.

Comment by huhkerrf 1 hour ago

Trees are big in the Torah and Bible generally. The Bible Project did a whole series on trees in the Bible. You've got the Tree of Life, the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, the cross, the tree in the book of Jonah, the fig tree, the parable of the vine and the branches, etc..

It all makes sense for a religion steeped in a desert culture. Trees are (relatively) rare, and what they offer is incredibly important and life giving.

Comment by colechristensen 1 hour ago

Trees are big in all sorts of mythologies. Primates like trees.

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Comment by znnajdla 4 hours ago

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Comment by PlatoIsADisease 47 minutes ago

This is somewhat a variant of the cooperate situation in the prisoners dilemma.

I find it interesting to dress it up in religion, because the optimal situation is to defect, and if everyone knows the game, you get a worse outcome. Religion can cause people to be selfless and you get a better outcome for most people.

I've always thought to teach people religion, but defect yourself. In a modern secular world, teach everyone ascetic stoicism. Myself, follow some sort of Machiavellian/Nietzsche/hedonism.

Comment by lo_zamoyski 9 minutes ago

So you're a liar and degenerate psychopath.

Comment by CrimsonRain 5 hours ago

thank you for sharing

Comment by 3 hours ago

Comment by testing22321 1 hour ago

I can’t help thinking this applies to universal healthcare in the US.

It would be cheaper and get better outcomes, but is still opposed because “working together is socialism”

Meta: downvotes to prove my point.

Comment by mionhe 52 minutes ago

Meta: down votes here prove no such thing. If you are downvoted it's because you read the article that had nothing to do with politics, the comment on a vision of heaven and hell that had nothing to do with politics, and then you made it about something that is very politicized in the US.

Both the article and comment you commented on eschewed a trite political message and tried to say something real and human.

Comment by euroderf 6 hours ago

When someone's spouse has died, a very helpful thing to do is to cook and package and deliver meals that the surviving spouse can simply place in the fridge and warm up as needed. When you are grieving, to actually prepare a meal is a terribly, terribly difficult thing to do.

Comment by criddell 1 hour ago

I might be a bit weird about this but… the chances of somebody making something that I want to eat is pretty small. I don’t like eating food from a non-commercial kitchen that I haven’t seen.

If you want to feed me, give me a DoorDash or Uber gift card.

Comment by grantith 36 minutes ago

Yes, that is weird. It's rather normal for the average person to not be so restrictive.

Comment by embedding-shape 2 hours ago

The best thing I've found is to ask what they need help with, then do that thing for them. One time when we just brought food (by traditional and assumption, without thinking too hard about it), it ended up being more frustrating for the people receiving it then intended.

Comment by testing22321 1 hour ago

Same advise exactly for a newborn. It was incredibly helpful for us, and now we love doing it for others.

I find it fitting the approach for new life and death can be the same.

Comment by pdpi 22 minutes ago

I don't have my own kids, but my experience with people with kids is that they're often desperate for social interaction, they feel limited in their ability to go out of the house, and they really don't want the extra work from having guests over.

So I try to act accordingly — help cook and tidy up the kitchen afterwards, help bathe the kids and/or put them to bed where appropriate, or just sit on the couch fiddling with my mobile when not interfering is the best course of action. Just slot into their routine and provide an extra pair of hands. For people you're comfortable with, socialising happens around these things just fine.

Comment by PlatoIsADisease 1 hour ago

Maybe because I'm on kid #6, but what is the hard part again? They sleep most the day, giving you an opportunity to sleep and cook.

I remember kid #1, we didn't remember to burp and he was fussy, but after that, its been fine.

Comment by lostlogin 33 minutes ago

That’s an impressive run.

The mother and child’s health are likely a factor in this, surely? Depending on how the delivery went, there may be a period of recovery. Combined with disrupted sleep and newborn feeding, the combination can be rough.

Comment by PlatoIsADisease 25 minutes ago

Good point, they were all super easy births. They had high bilirubin levels, but I looked up that I could put blue light on them, and it cures it. So I brought a LED light strip and placed my kid next to a window.

We also had sleep shifts. Giving each of us 3 hours of solid sleep was like 2 REM cycles. Only needed to do ~2 per night and we were mostly normal.

Comment by lostlogin 17 minutes ago

If I remember right, a little jaundice gives them a nice looking skin colour and makes them drowsy.

100% not good medical advice.

We never got close to sorting the sleep routine. Well done.

Comment by lotsofpulp 36 minutes ago

> They sleep most the day, giving you an opportunity to sleep and cook.

I got some douchebag babies, because they were breastfeeding every 2-3 hours for a long time. Probably every 2 hours for the first few months, so that doesn’t allow for quality sleep cycles. It also takes a while to put them to sleep, so the total period of free time could be as little as 15 to 30 minutes.

The first one needed time to learn how to breastfeed (and the mom to learn also).

And also, physical recovery from tears in the flesh and other complications such as hemorrhoids and hormone fluctuations.

Comment by lostlogin 42 minutes ago

From the article: “One of the neighbors actually cooked for me for four years — dinners — and her husband delivered the dinners to me."

I winced at that. 4 years.

Comment by delichon 6 hours ago

The nice thing about that is that you don't have to ask how you can help, you can just help. I knew a guy who would go to a grieving household and clean their shoes.

Comment by ninalanyon 4 hours ago

I think you'd have to be awfully closely associated with that household for that to work. As a widower I have to say that I really would not have wanted an outsider suddenly appearing and deciding what I needed help with when my wife died.

Perhaps it would work if there were very clear signs that the bereaved were unable to cope.

Comment by technothrasher 4 hours ago

You even have to be careful with bringing meals. When we lost a family member and all kinds of food started showing up, it was very sweet of people. But it became just one more hassle to deal with at a time when we already had too much to deal with.

Comment by antonymoose 1 hour ago

I feel as though you’ve skipped over the entire article, here you complain about people helping for an article titled “Let people help!”

Comment by AnimalMuppet 1 hour ago

But "help" has to be what will actually help, otherwise it's not actually help. That is, help has to be what the receiver considers help, not what the giver considers help.

"Let me help you in the way I want to help, not in the way you actually need" is either short-sightedness or selfishness. But it's not actually helpful.

Comment by publicdebates 4 hours ago

It's true. And technically many of them can afford takeout when it's too hard. But there's something healing about someone, whether family or friends, actually doing the act of helping in this way. It's a sort of transfer of love from one heart into another, which heals the broken one. The more of a sacrifice it costs the one giving help, the more healing efficacy it seems to have, even if the amount is unknown to the person receiving help. It's almost magical.

Comment by euroderf 49 minutes ago

Thank you for saying this. Some other comments here seem otherworldly.

Comment by h33t-l4x0r 5 hours ago

For 4 years tho?

Comment by ninalanyon 4 hours ago

That's a pretty heavy debt.

Comment by croisillon 5 hours ago

same here, i had to check the transcription was right, maybe she mixed up the words?

Comment by simonkagedal 16 minutes ago

The end of this article leaves me hanging. Did she manage to find the previously employed insurance lady so that she could thank her, or not? I need closure!

Comment by thomascountz 7 hours ago

Comment by vee-kay 5 hours ago

Thank for the alt text-only-mode link, it's nice.

0n some browsers, Reader mode (or Simplified Web View mode) can be used to view webpages or articles as simple text.

This may be need to be enabled in the Accessibility Settings of the browser.

e.g., Above poignant article can be viewed as Reader mode in Vivaldi browser, or Simplified Web View, on Android.

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